


Irkalla Presents: Red Velvet, or Jesus and the Ripper

by EvenSpeedWeedisAfraid



Series: ICU, or The Irkallan Canon Universe [3]
Category: Hellsing, Hiveswap, Homestuck, House of 1000 Corpses (Movies), Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler, PAYDAY (Video Games)
Genre: Comedy, F/F, F/M, Female Pronouns for Grell Sutcliff, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Other Fandoms Not Mentioned in Tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-02-16 09:07:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18688414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvenSpeedWeedisAfraid/pseuds/EvenSpeedWeedisAfraid
Summary: A direct follow up to chapter 14 of "World of Irkalla". On one side, Otis tries to get the Signless to man up and confess his feelings to Grell. On the other, Rip and Zorin attempt to help Grell come up with a sure-fire way to bag that Alternian hunk.Shenanigans ensue in what is likely the lightest piece of comedy I've written.





	1. The Best Plan is No Plan

"Oh, joyous day! My love has returned, oh how _lucky_ I am!"  
A certain British reaper sure seems happy today, and really, who can blame her? The Signless, that ruggedly handsome hunk, has come back from what feels like an eternal vacation! Looking out the window, she had seen him arrive and be hugged by that odd, _odd_ man named Otis B. Driftwood, who happened to be his best friend down here, for whatever reason.  
But that's really of little importance, because Grell was positively _beaming_ at knowing that the Alternian had returned, and she simply couldn't hold her joy back! She _needed_ to share it with her gal-pals in the Crew! With a peppy hop in her step and humming some soothing notes straight from her soul, she headed out of her room in Zebruh's mansion.

And with that, she was off to the room of her gal-pals in question.

\---

"Zorin, dear!" A light-hearted, German accented voice called out.  
"Hmm... What is it, Rip?" A far gruffer, yet still decidedly female voice asked, in response.  
"Did I ever tell you how much you mean to me? Even if I did, well... here it comes again!"

Rip van Winkle is as happy as she usually is. Almost always cheerful, in stark contrast to her girlfriend Zorin Blitz. The latter is almost always seen with a scowl on her tattooed face. Of course, her hard exterior is frequently softened by the infectious happiness of her significant other.

Speaking of her, Rip was currently listening to some of her opera records, dancing with the utmost grace and finesse.  
That is, until the door to their room was pushed open, accompanied with a rather loud voice.  
"Ladies! My love has returned!" **_Fucking Grell, of course it's her,_** Zorin thought to herself. Hell, she might have actually muttered it, she's not too aware of if she did or didn't.  
"Oh, that's wonderful, Grell!" Rip travelled over to her friend, standing on her tippy-toes with all the agility her body could provide, before wrapping her long arms around the reaper and giving her a hug. "Do you have anything planned?"  
Grell answered that by shaking her head 'no'. "I don't... quite know how I'll go about doing it, if I'm being truly honest with you gals."  
"Have you tried being forward? Maybe he's just not too bright, and you were too subtle- okay, in hindsight, I realise that I'm pulling this right out of my ass." Zorin just couldn't help but be a bit snide, despite actually intending to help. The accusatory glare from Rip got her to admit that she was bullshitting. "Sorry."

"You know... maybe we could try and help you, Grell! That'd be nice, wouldn't it? Just us gal-pals, making events line up in our favor! But mostly yours, of course." Rip smiled wide enough to bare her shark-like teeth, causing Grell to show her own serrated teeth.  
"Sounds proper lovely, darling."

\---

"Mind explaining to me why exactly we're staying in this... _sickening_ place, Otis?"  
The Signless didn't much like the fact that his friends had apparently cozyed up to slave-owner scumbag Zebruh Codakk in his absence. But Otis was quick to set the record straight.  
"It's really just a matter of convenience, Kankri. Look, nobody among us likes the fucker. Shit, Cable outright decked the guy before, and has been _very_ fucking open about how it wouldn't bother him at all to end him on the spot. And I believe him, did you _see_ that guy? He has a fucking robot arm, and the biggest goddamn gun I've ever seen!" Otis chuckled, picturing Zebruh being blasted out a window by a barrage of bullets and explosions coming from Cable's BFG.  
"So, um... changing topics, did you want to tell me something else?" The Signless fidgeted a little, not wanting the human to dwell on murder-related thoughts too much. He's still a bit iffy about death after his own, which is completely understandable. Nobody wants to end up getting tortured to death.

"Oh! Yeah, uh, Grell's been trying not to show it, but she obviously misses you a lot. And I know you told me you might have some feelings for her, a little while before you left. You... you still having those?" A nod followed, confirming Otis' suspicions. "Alright. I know you've had problems coming to terms with that. So, um... wanna do something about that? Or are you just gonna let it sit there and gather dust on the fuckin' shelf?"  
"Of... of course I want to do something about it! But... I really don't know _how!_ " For once, the Signless was the one looking up to somebody else with a hopeful glint in his eyes.

"You came to the right guy then, kid."   
_Aw shit, here we go again._


	2. History is Made at Night

"Are you gals sure you can help me with this? Not to seem rude, but aren't you two... um, not attracted to men?" Grell's eyebrow was raised as she watched Rip run around the room, gathering bits and pieces of... whatever the hell she's looking for.  
Mere instants ago, she was all for getting help from her friends, but now that she thinks about it, this is almost guaranteed to fail.  
"Of course, but us being sapphic lovers doesn't mean we can't help you in your quest!" Rip was happy to correct Grell on her worries, lifting a growing weight from the latter's shoulders.  
Meanwhile, Zorin was kicking up a fuss in her corner. "Where the _fuck_ did all my alcohol go?!" Indeed, her cabinet of various whiskeys and vodka had been mysteriously emptied.

\----

"Otis, are you... are you drinking straight vodka?"  
Or, maybe not so mysteriously. Downstairs, in the lounge room, Otis was taking shot after shot of vodka that he absolutely stole from Zorin's cabinet, while the Signless was growing increasingly worried at his friend's irresponsible behavior.  
"Ah, man, don't... don't worry about it." The human replied, before taking yet another shot.  
"It's... it's like noon right now." The troll tried to move closer to take the alcohol away, but Otis moved away slightly.  
"Wow, thanks Big _fuckin'_ Ben, now I know what _time_ it is! I know what I'm fuckin' doin', Kankri!"  
Kankri shook his head, sighing. "Drinking's not a contest, Otis."  
"Get off my fuckin' back, man!" Before Otis could get any further, somebody else stepped into the scene.

"You done, Driftwood? If Zorin hears your drunk ramblings, she's gonna come kick your ass." The two looked over to the new, gruff-voiced arrival, seeing the Man out of Time, the one whose animosity towards their current host is second to none: Nathan "Cable" Summers. The mutant with the metallic arm and robotic eye stepped closer to the two, cracking his neck ever so slightly as he did so.  
"Heyy, Cable! I want you to meet my pal, the Signless. We probably mentioned him once or twice before!" Otis gave his bestie a few pats on the back, but since he was drunk, it felt more like slaps than pats.  
The 5'11" soldier of the future looked the troll over, giving him a quick analysis with his eye before nodding and offering a handshake. "Pleased to meet you, Signless. Name's Cable, I'm from the future."

Kankri was not used to handshakes this firm, but he managed to get through it nevertheless. "Pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mister Cable. I've heard from Otis that you punched Zebruh out some time ago?" The older man nodded, a semi-smirk on his face. "Well, at least I know we're on the same page, then."  
"Not to interrupt or anything, but, uh... shouldn't we be tryin' to get you and Grell hooking up, Kankri?" And somehow, despite being shitfaced beyond belief, Otis brought the conversation back on track.  
"Oh, right, right! Would you like to help us with that, Cable?" The troll offered, but the mutant shook his head.  
"Nah... I'm not really good with matters of emotion. I'll be cheering you on at the metaphorical finish line, though." And with that, Cable left the room.

Blinking once or twice, Signless turned to his drunk friend. "Well, with that out of the way, how do you suggest we start preparing me, Otis?"   
"Hm... let's get you in a suit! Can't bag chicks dressed up like a fuckin'... desert wanderer from like... Star Wars or some shit. What are they called, Tusken Raiders? They live on like... _Tatooine_ or some fuckin' thing." Otis started slouching in his seat as he kept rambling, prompting Kankri to facepalm.

_This is gonna suck._


	3. Say Anything...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plot advances, as we get closer to the climax. Slowly, but steadily. And no, that isn't actually innuendo.

"So, um... what are we doing, are we just... jumping right into this?"   
As the Signless and Otis stood in front of the door to Zebruh Codakk's room, the troll's nervousness reached levels rarely seen. Not helped by both his companion being staggeringly drunk still, but _also_ by the presence of Hoxton. Both of these men are already not very well known for being quiet, and now they plan to _steal_ clothes from their host's room? Oh boy.  
"I mean, yeah, obviously? What, does... does it scare ya or something?" Otis, holding onto the wall in case he falls on his ass like a clumsy idiot, asked his friend.  
"Kind of, yeah! Do I really have to explain _why_ stealing from somebody higher on the hemospectrum might be a bad idea for me, somebody who got **killed** for speaking out against the hemospectrum?" Before Kankri could get more worked up, Hoxton stepped in.

"Oi, you don't gotta toss a soddin' fit, lad. I'll get in there myself, you lot just stand out here, and I'll be gettin' his clothes out in a fockin' instant!"  
And as soon as he said that, he slipped into the room.  
"... Honestly, do we really need to do this? Otis? Hello?" The Signless leaned over and snapped his fingers in front of Otis' zoned-out face, bringing him back to reality.  
"Huh, wha? Oh, um... yeah, we absolutely do need it! Fuckin'... do you expect us to go down to the market right now? First off, I'm fuckin' sloshed beyond any level that can be considered healthy, like, borderline alcohol poisoning right now. Secondly, there's still shit going on down there after the whole fight at the Watering Hole yesterday. Still redoing the walls and mopping up the blood, y'know?"  
"Eh... I guess that's fair enough." Kankri sighed, before the door to the room opened up, and Hoxton snaked out, a few fancy suits in hand. And, with probably the biggest shit-eating grin on planet Earth, Hoxton just _had_ to pull out his classic line...

_"It's Payday, fellas!"_

\---

"Alright, so, first things first. While I _do_ like the clothes to a degree, they are kind of tight on me, but that's probably because you decided to pilfer a older teenager's wardrobe and tried to make a fully grown adult wear them. Which, by the way, still a monumentally bad idea!"  
Kankri, while still trying to be nice, was getting increasingly annoyed at his friends' antics. But he was being truthful when he said that he does like the clothes. He'd probably like them more if he didn't have to rip the sleeves just to be more comfortable.  
"Eh, what can I say? Otis' a regular soddin' Elon Musk when it comes to bad fockin' ideas." Hoxton shrugged, standing near the window of Otis' guest room.  
"I don't know who that is, or what you're implying, but I don't fuckin' like it, and if I wasn't absolutely shitfaced right now, I'd probably _make_ you take it back." Otis was laying down in his bed, staring up at the ceiling fan.

Hoxton _was_ going to make some sort of witty remark, but he was distracted by a song starting to play outside. Leaning over to see what was going on, he then looked to Signless and Otis with disbelief in his eyes. "You blokes are gonna wanna check this shite."  
Following his suggestion, the duo went over to the window, and were hit by a sight to behold.

**_Love... I get so lost, sometimes..._ **

Outside, just below the window, stood Rip, Zorin and Grell. Zorin was holding a record player above her head (with help from Rip), while Grell took the forefront as Peter Gabriel's _In Your Eyes_ played.  
"Kankri! I... I wanted to ask you out! We're planning a large party in Zebruh's ballroom, in two days time! Are you going to take me up on this?" The woman in red asked, trying her best to be as convincing as she could possibly be.  
"Grell! I absolutely will take you up on that! I'll... I'll be waiting for you at the ballroom on the day itself!" The response came loud and clear.  
"Wonderful! Oh, and before I go... torn-off sleeves seem to compliment you quite well!~" She chuckled, before signalling for the other girls to leave with her.

Turns out, getting Equius to help the three of them make Winkle's record player run on batteries was a fantastic idea.


	4. The Art of Getting By

"You... _do_ realise what you've done, right?"  
Otis wasn't very happy right now. His drinking caught up to him hard within the last hour, and his body took the toll. Splayed out on his bed, he looked towards his friend, his face scrunching up as he spoke.  
"You... you decided to _accept_ an invitation to a dance, in less than two fuckin' days, leaving us about as much time to prepare! Do... do you even know how to dance, Kankri?" The human tried to sit up, but it caused him too much pain, so he just stayed flat on his back.

"Otis, really... how hard can it be? I'm sure that human dancing customs aren't too far removed from troll ones!" Oh, you poor, optimistic man. Meanwhile, Hoxton looked over from his spot at the window, which he didn't leave since the whole _'Say Anything'_ situation from a few minutes back.  
"Pretty sure that _our_ dances don't usually involve copious amounts of slaughter. Like, aside from those metal people, we aren't fockin' privy to that kind of shite." The snarkster Brit said, before taking a drag of his cigarette.   
"I'll take it that metal evolved to that point in the future, but we weren't there yet in my time, Hox." Otis started speaking up from his spot on the bed. "And fuckin'... besides, who are you to punch down at them? You've literally stolen nuclear _fucking_ weapons! That basically forever disqualifies you from emitting criticism towards other people!"

"As if you're any better, you're a fockin' serial killer, Otis!" Before this could go any further, Kankri had to step in.  
"Guys, please! Now is not the time to rag on each other! No matter what you may have done before, it doesn't matter! Don't you guys remember? This... this whole adventure we're on is a chance to redeem ourselves! To be better people than we once were!"  
Following that mini-speech, the other two went silent, before nodding in agreement.  
"So... then how are we gettin' this done?" Hoxton asked, bringing upon them a wave of rapid-fire questions. Hopefully, they'll come upon a solution soon...

\-----

Meanwhile, Grell and the girls were busy setting up the ballroom. And by that, we mean her and Rip, with help from the recently awoken Arthricia, because Zorin was still mad about her stolen vodka and is busy fuming in a corner about it.  
"Do you really think that we'll manage this within two days?" Arthricia, youngest of the group, had to ask. She might have brought down her home society's oppressive system, but this was a whole different ballgame!  
"Of course! Dear, we've taken down a warlord's army, outnumbered a hundred to one! How could this be any trouble?" Grell beamed, truly at the height of her happiness.

Until the mansion's owner walked in. "Okay, first things first... did you guys get permission to do this? And secondly..."  
As it turns out, Zebruh was in his underwear, eliciting a lot of laughs from the assembled girls.  
" _Who stole my clothes?!_ "


	5. Dirty Dancing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second to last chapter. And really just a whole-ass chapter of people talking about Dirty Dancing.

"What did you say?"  
Kankri was confused more than anything. Otis sighed, having to repeat himself. Repeating yourself sucks, especially when you've got a hard hangover.  
"I said that you should tell her _'it's a marvellous night for a moondance'_ , and then you go put the moves on her. Both kinds of moves. Why is this so hard to understand?"  
"Well, maybe because Van Morrison isn't well known on _ancient sodding Alternia_ , Otis. You wanker." Hoxton, right on schedule, was there to snark on the redneck. "Here's some _real_ pointers, mate. With what I know about ladies, which admittedly isn't a whole lot, Grell will want to have a Dirty Dancing moment."  
A round of silence. "Oh, bloody hell, I forgot you lads died before the movie came out. Fuck me, I guess I'll have to explain..."

\----

"A... what moment?" Meanwhile, on the girls' side of things, Grell was equally confused.  
"A Dirty Dancing moment! Like the famous 1987 movie!" Winkle was very glad to explain one of her personal favorite romance/dance movies, one that she's made Zorin watch several times on the Millennium blimp, during the early-to-mid 1990s. "At the end, Johnny finally manages to lift Baby up, after having tried and failed a few times before. Oooh, I just _love_ that movie, and the music in it is so sublime!"  
Meanwhile, Arthricia listened to the German's fangirling over Dirty Dancing of all things, while Zorin simply sighed. She's seen that movie far too many times for her own good.  
"Zorin! Dear, can you come here so we can demonstrate... **The Lift?** " Rip could barely hold back her excitement as Zorin relented, placing herself directly in front of her girlfriend.

The latter then stepped back a few feet, before taking a running start. Mere seconds before Winkle made it to Zorin, the latter bent down, arms out to pick her soulmate up, lifting her up. Just like in the movie!  
"You see? That's gonna work, believe me Grell! There's _no way_ it won't succeed!" The absolutely ecstatic vampire told the Reaper with the utmost conviction.

Hopefully, she's right.

\----

Finally, the day of the dance was upon us.  
"Alright, Kankri, don't forget. Tell her about the moondance. She'll think you came up with it, since Van Morrison doesn't exist in her time just yet! Genius fuckin' plan!" Otis pat his friend on the back as they stood before the doors to the ballroom. "Now get in there, and knock 'em dead."

Breathing in, the Signless proceeded to push the doors open, mentally readying himself for the madness that will surely follow...


	6. Strictly Ballroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter! Will Kankri and Grell finally hook up? How will it happen?

When the Signless stepped into the ballroom, he wasn't met by a disaster, contrarily to what he expected. In fact, it was the complete opposite; everything was well put together, people were getting along, and the Crew's two couples were dancing already. Considering the relaxed, blue-eyed soul/new wave song that had seemingly just started, said couples were partaking in slow-dancing. Both had their own variations. Zorin and Rip's had more sections designed to showcase the latter's solo dancing skills, while Equius and Dammek's was more conventional, with the occasional separation, most likely put in place to prevent too much sweating from the former.

It wasn't just couples that were dancing. Spread around the room were various familiar faces, like Tony Montana trying to teach Xefros Tritoh how to dance, and being embarrassingly bad at it... but still managing to laugh it off together. Some, like Gine, were alone, until other members of the Crew came to accompany them. In Gine's case, John Marston came to keep her company in these lonely times. Hopefully, people like them can be reunited with their true loves down here.

But those aren't exactly what mattered to the nervous troll right now, as much as it may pain him to admit that. No, what was on his mind above everything else was... **_How am I going to face up to Grell?_**  
What would she think of him if he were to slip up, trip on his words or make a general fuck-up of himself? But it would seem that he won't have to wonder for much longer, since she stood right in front of him.

Wearing a truly stunning, blood red dress with a rather long train behind the back (probably just to be extra), with black elbow gloves, the reaper looked right at Kankri, maybe even right _through_ him. Despite her smile, she knew he was nervous. She was too, but to a much lesser extent. This _was_ her plan to begin with, after all.  
"Hello, my dear! Do you like how we've set this up?" She asked, motioning to the entire room. It was at this moment that the Signless could truly notice the extent of the changes made for this exact occasion. It would seem that not only was there a... turntable set-up in a corner, attended to by Zebruh of all people, but the lights in the room as a whole were lowered. To bring attention to a _disco ball_ hanging from the ceiling, of all things.

"Um, yeah! Yes, I do like it. You've all done some fantastic work, absolutely. Marvellous night for a moondance, right?" The alien messiah spoke rather quickly, the words basically pouring from his mouth as if he were about to drown and he had to cough up as much of them as possible. After an awkward laugh, he let Grell bring him to the dance floor.

**_Head over heels when toe to toe, this is the sooooound of my soul... this is the sooooound..._ **

"Is something wrong, Kankri? You seem awfully nervous..." She asked, her smile faltering.  
"I... well, honestly, I am. I've been away for a long time, and during that time, I've... been exploring my feelings about you. I... I think I might be flushed for you, Grell. I know it's not the same on Earth, or hell, maybe it is, I don't fucking know..." Before the Signless could get any further, the reaper put a gloved finger on his lips to shush him up.

**_I bought a ticket to the world... but now I've come back agaaaaain..._ **

"Dear. While I'm overcome with joy at knowing that you feel some sort of way about me, I wanted to make sure you know one thing. It doesn't _matter_ if troll romance is more complicated than human... well, Earth romance. It's still similar enough to our own system that I believe we can make it work, you and I." Grell's smile slowly returned as she pulled her finger away from Kankri's lips.  
"Wow... that was surprisingly nice of you to say. And... now I know that my flushed feelings aren't _just_ a 'maybe'. They're a fact." The Troll Jesus smiled as well, more relaxed and confident now that his feelings were validated.

**_Why do I find it hard to write the next line? Oh, I want the truth to be saiiiid!_ **

As the song's chorus was about to start, Grell leaned in to kiss the Signless. A gesture that was nearly immediately reciprocated by the Alternian.

**_I knooooow this... muuuuuch is true..._ **

As they pulled away from the kiss, nearly half a minute later, everyone gathered in the ballroom applauded, some even cheering them on.  
"So... I originally intended to have a 'Dirty Dancing' moment with you today, but... this is enough emotion for now, isn't it?" The woman in red chuckled, as her newly minted boyfriend blushed.  
"Yeah, I think so too. But we'll have it some other time, I promise you."

With those words, the two continued to dance, their bodies lovingly close to each other the whole while.

\----

Much later that night, a series of knocks to his door woke Otis up.  
"Fuck me, calm down out there, I'm on my fuckin' way..." Opening the door, he found his best friend standing there, half naked and rather concerned.  
"Um, Otis? ... How does human sex work?"

**THE END.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this certainly was a challenge to write. I haven't really done anything like this before, but I did enjoy doing it!
> 
> Also, if you couldn't tell, the song playing during the dance is "True" by Spandau Ballet.


End file.
